*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My flabber has been gasted.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over