I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
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My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Easy enough.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.