When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
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I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.