*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO