I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
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DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Peace was never an option
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.