It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.