#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
OMG 🤣🤣
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS