WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.