My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
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Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock