Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.