my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
White Castle for the Win
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes