Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Breaking news:
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Oh, I bet you would be