Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.