Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting