One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
mmm onion ringos
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
emergency phone
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan