ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
*exercises sarcastically*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…