LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
You Might Also Like
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Is….Is this an option?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy