Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha