I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.