robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
You Might Also Like
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.