So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’m giving up for Lent.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.