Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
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I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[eats all your cotton candy]
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters