Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car