So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
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I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.