Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
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i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.