When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist