my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young