why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.