My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
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People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks