Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.