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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years