professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
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Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Its a hippotatomus
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.