The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Cndnsd Mlk
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen