Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.