Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me