Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
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As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
12653.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife