God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
You Might Also Like
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Follow me for more fitness tips.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
So glad we cleared that up
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.