I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
This sounds bad:
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no