I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
You Might Also Like
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable