I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows