Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.