*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Festive toon…
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager