*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve