He’s so proud of his work! 馃ぃ
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COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn鈥檛 tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
BF: Aren鈥檛 you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else鈥檚 large pizza while we were waiting
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I鈥檓 sorry, Dave. I鈥檓 afraid I can鈥檛 do that.”
“What鈥檚 the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i鈥檓 married
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples