People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.