Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Had to try this trend 😊
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!