Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.