Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I can’t be the only one 😂
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
“Huge”.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.