Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Dietest Coke
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude