Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
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She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
This is always good for a laugh.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”